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I sit alone

waiting for you

I lie awake

wanting you

I clutch the pillow

wishing for you

to sleep I fall

without you.


my mind is filled with confusion
no hope lies behind my eyes
my suffering I have come to treasure
being filled with pain becomes my life
I fill my head with lies and easy solutions
to live or to die
both ever so tempting
yet so painful
I just want to make the demons go away
I help them to feed my pain
I help them to destroy me
I hate them
yet I am there maker
and they are my destroyer
happiness I can not see
as darkness blinds my eyes
this pain I have come to treasure
as I am dead yet still alive


emptiness fills me
fear grips my mind
deaths icy hand holds my heart
squeezing all love and life from it
I tried so hard
and we got so far
but it is now all over
and I am all but dead
things aren't how they where
or how they should be
they are just how they are
not how we want them to be
darkness is knocking
and now I must go answer.


it beckons you
calling your name
the demon has control of you
the bottle has your soul
for it there is no letting go
it is in control
destroying your life
yet blinding you to it all
to its own living hell
you are carried down
it this hell you will


lonely and empty
my voice I hear
yet not a word spoken
there is no one to speak too
hollow silent tears fall
empty screams reflect
like echoes in my head
silence consumes my life
words no longer spoken
I listen, yet
nothing but the echoes in my head.


open the bottle
pour them out
take a drink wash
them down
off to  the eternal sleep
to find happiness or suffering
which I do not know
but this life I can no longer stand
the pain I can no longer bear
it is killing me
destroying my heart
erasing my hopes
this is but a release
but to what I do not know


happiness is many different things
to many different people
to me it is the ability to
wake up every morning and see you
to kiss your face until you wake
to hold you close and feel your warmth
to see you smile
to hear you laugh
all these things bring me joy
yet none of them can compare to
hearing you say...


I can still hear your voice
echoing in my ears
I can still feel your touch
ripping at my flesh
haunting my dreams
filling my mind
your memory shows me
just what I am
what you would never let me be
I battled against you
yet you tore me down
digging further and further
into my mind
pulling my fears to the surface
you tried to destroy me
yet she came to me
with her I defeated you
my mind you can no longer control


I loved you
more than anything else in the world
I wanted to give you everything I could
and I did
you took it all
every little piece of me
but it never was enough
never enough to satisfy you
but you did find satisfaction
only it was not in me
it was in him
and when you leave me
I shall die
yet dying I already am
and it is all because of him
not because of me
not because of you
that you are gone
and I am dead
all alone
I will live
from this moment on
in the cold darkness
of death
yet not dead
he has killed me
by taking you
and you have killed me
by going


I stand silent and hollow
an empty shell
yet I am crying out in side
dying inside
for your love
forsaken and alone
empty and dying
I am hollow
you do not know what it is you do
you no longer see me
I am still here
I will wait patiently for you
for your love to fill me again


i sit alone and think of you
out with friends i think of you
weaving its way in and out of my dreams
your image never leaves me
haunting me
memories of love once had
and dreams once shared
echo off the empty walls of my hollow heart


I am one
all alone in my mind
I sit
imprisoned in my private hell
I sit
watching, waiting
for something
I sit
longing for rescue
I sit
silently crying
for someone
I sit
then you came


are the words you say true
are the actions you perform true
is the love you give real

or is this all make believe

one big lie
a dream to which I clutch
never wanting to give up
never wanting to give in
never admitting that it is over

or is it all true

a fairy tale come true
a fire for which I am the fuel
a flame never dying
a hope never fading

is it true or just a lie


lying in the darkness
i dream of you
remembering what it felt like to hold you close
wanting you to hold me
i feel as if i have lost the most important thing in my life
and in a way i have
because i have lost you

you still love me
and i still love you
but you are not here
and i am not there
you were my life
and now i have no one
all i want is to have you back
so i can live again

with out you i am dead


i can't seem to get you out of my mind
to erase your face from my eyes
or your touch from my skin
your kiss still burning my lips
as your words ring in my ears

i no longer know how to love
i can no longer trust
and it is all because you
you betrayed me
you lied to me


the sound of your voice echoes in my ears
the feeling of your touch burns on my skin
the feeling of your love still in my heart
the memories of you cloud my mind
memories are not good enough
I want you still
I need you here by my side
where you once stood
I never thought that could end
yet all I have is
just a fading reminder of
what we once where


I sit in the darkness all alone
my demons tourment me with my feelings
they have stripped me of all happiness
and hope
all i do know is pray for some sort of
to deliver me from this hell i have for so long lived in
a ray of light breaks the darkness
causing my demons to scatter
and i see you
i look into your eyes as you extend your hand
as i grasp your hand hope overfills my body
i have longed for this moment for so long now
i thought it was out of reach
far to gone to be had again
butnow i might have it back


surrounded by demons my angel protects me
shielding me from there taunts and lies
she stays by my side
and she helps to heal this broken heart
as she shows me how to love again
she cleanses my soul with kindness and patience
she has been her for so long now
yet it still feels brand new
she is my one and only
my lover
my best friend


Tie it off
pierce the skin
inject it in
feel the magic flow
coursing through my veins
the relief comes
no life
no pain
just numb


you wall your self up in your castle of hate
you lock yourself in your prison of fear
hatred for what you don't understand
fear for what you can't control

shackled by your own prejudices and ignorance's
freedom is something unknown to you
you are a prisoner of hate


lying in bed
darkness imprisons me
escape I can not find

then you are there
you give me hope
when I have none
you give me love
when I have none
you give me sanctuary
you are me
and I am you
as we become


you where never there for me
you were not around
the only one i ever had was her
she is the only one that was there
the only one i could talk to

and now you are back
and expect me to welcome you
with open arms
you want me to call you father
yet i do not even know you
you are a stranger to me
i don't love you
i don't hate you
i don't like you
i don't dislike you
you are not a friend
you are not an enemy
you are just a stranger


Left all alone
In this cold dark world
Living a bleak existence
I wonder why

Why did you leave me
What went wrong
What were you thinking
the night you died

my love is dead, my hell is alive
I was left all alone, the night you died

why I scream
did you take her from me
lies I was told
about your love
my love is dead, my hell is alive
I was left all alone, the night you died

now all I feel is pain
the pain of loneliness
the pain of love lost
you took her from me
now I am all alone

my love is dead, me hell is alive
I was left all alone, the night you died


from the moment i saw you
i knew i had to have you
i had to make you love me
like i loved you
from the first time we kissed
i knew my heart was yours forever
the first time we made love
i never wanted the night to end
when we were together
i was happier than i ever though i could be
when we were apart, even for a second
i was misarable
You lifted me up out of my hell
with a simple word or look
You brought hope to a world that had none

Now you are gone
and all that was had
is worth the cost
i would not trade you now
for what we had then
i love you now more than ever
because you are my friend.


Through the darkness we tumble
falling further and further into our hell
you drag me down
killing me a little more every day
pushing me further down into this hell
I thought I had escaped
the love I once had falls from grace
as all hopes I had you have dispelled
all the love I had you destroy
leaving me alone in this darkness
scared and wandering I am lost
without your light to guide me along my way
grasping for a chance to bring it all back
I stay here but you are gone forever I have lost you


I lie next to you
watching you sleep
feeling your breathe on my face
holding your body in my arms
I brush your hair from your eyes
I realize how much it is I love you

I know sometimes I don't show it
I know sometimes you can't feel it
I hope you know that I love you
that I need you

without you I am lost
you are my life
you are my love
you are my best friend

and without you I would die


what do you do
when you can't touch the one you love
what do you do
when images of her fill your dreams
what do you do
when your love is gone
and you are not ready to let it go
these are the questions i ask myself
yet the answers i do not know


lying here
cold and alone
empty and unloved
i think of you
and the hope you gave me
the love we shared
and the life you destroyed
why if you loved me so much
did you lie
why if you loved me so much
did you leave
why if you loved me so much
aren't you here


I sit here wondering
trying to figure out what went wrong
what happened to my life
what happened to me
where did I go wrong
where did I lose you
when did you forget me
why did you stop loving me
and how can I get it back


running down my hand
along my fingers it drips
to the floor
creating its crimson pool
the blood gathers
jagged cuts
rusty blade
filled with pain
no longer can I live
my love you have
destroyed my hope
you have extinguished my life
with this final cut I will have freedom

(in no way, shape, or form do I promote suicide nor do I want to kill myself,
well anymore that is. Its simply a poem)

I wake and feel your breathe on my skin
as you lie next to me in my arms
there is nothing I want more than your love
you are the reason I live
you are what I have searched for
there is nothing else
that could take me from you
everyday I fall
more and more in love with you


down the path i walk
twisting and turning
craked and broken
peering into the darkness
i stumble on my way
cheated and broken
this path has left me
a ghost of the former me
a shadow of what i am
is all i am
a fading dream is all i have left
a ember of hope is all that remains
of the fire i once had
and dead and cold is what i am


this feeling i can no longer take
emptiness is consuming me
darkness wraps its veil around my eyes
pulling me down
into my self
forcing me to wall myself up once again


sweating and straining
i work
building these walls
hands cracked and bleeding
yet still i go on
brick by brick
it returns
inch by inch
the darkness creeps back
yet i go on
lifting and placing each brick
until the wall is complete
and it has me
darkness inside and out